


Everything You've Ever Wished For

by patronsaintofthedenial



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angel Vessel Consent Issues (Supernatural), Angel Wings, Angel/Human Relationships, Angst, Castiel and Dean Winchester Have a Profound Bond, Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Deception, Episode: s04e22 Lucifer Rising, F/M, Fallen Angels, Hurt Lucifer, Hurt Sam Winchester, Implied/Referenced Incest, Lucifer (Supernatural) Being an Asshole, Lucifer (Supernatural) in the Cage, Lucifer Possessing Castiel (Supernatural), M/M, Minor Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester, Non-Consensual Possession, Other, POV Lucifer, Past Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester, Possession, Sharing a Body
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-04
Updated: 2019-09-04
Packaged: 2020-04-07 18:02:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 13,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19090252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/patronsaintofthedenial/pseuds/patronsaintofthedenial
Summary: And one day, things changed. But that was only the beginning of Lucifer’s real punishment.Or so he thought.





	1. Introduction: He will rattle your cage and then break your heart

**Author's Note:**

> _The Devil doesn't come dressed in a red cape and pointy horns. He comes as everything you've ever wished for..._
> 
>  
> 
> ― Tucker Max, _Assholes Finish First_

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _He will rattle your cage and then break your heart._
> 
>  
> 
> ― Jameson Currier, _The Third Buddha_

He would be lying, if he said he hadn’t dreamed about it. 

_Freedom._

He couldn’t even remember the last time he had felt that. If he thought long and hard enough about it, it was as if he had always been there, and the rest of his existence was nothing but a dream he had dreamed after too many lonely years, trying to find some comfort in the faces of the brothers he wasn’t even sure he loved anymore. There was only the Cage and himself, and the dying hope of a forgiveness he didn’t want, because he had done nothing wrong. The only thing he could do, perhaps the only one that he was really bad at, was to wait. Wait for the end to come. Wait for someone to open the door of the Cage and finally set him free. Whatever it was that would come first, he didn’t care. He just needed to be finally free again, even if that meant not being anymore.

And so, he waited. And waited. 

He reminded himself of all the actions that had brought him there constantly, of how his only mistake had been to question his Father’s orders. He didn’t regret it, having found his own free will, but there were times he couldn’t help himself but to wonder how things would have been if he wasn’t trapped there anymore, if he hadn’t defied his Father and swallowed his pride. He could have been like his other brothers, those who didn’t seem to care about him anymore. Was it worth it, being nothing but a caged Grace, a bird of clipped wings? He used to be Heaven’s most powerful angel, God’s favourite, and Hell was too cold for his tired wrath. He had promised himself that he would make everyone pay for his punishment, that he would avenge himself of the unfairness of his imprisonment, but not even Satan was able to break free from his tailor-made cell, especially when he wasn’t even whole. And of course, there was the other side to his punishment, but he didn’t even know what that was. 

Like the rest of the things regarding his existence, he could only wait. Wait and see.

And one day, things changed. But that was only the beginning of Lucifer’s real punishment. 

Or so he thought.


	2. The Devil’s side of the story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _We have never heard the devil's side of the story, God wrote all the book._
> 
> ― Anatole France

And so, Armageddon started, right as the prophecy said it would.

Lucifer wasn’t even able to tell that the Cage was no more, not at first. It had been so long, every second felt like being trapped with no chance of salvation. The walls of the Cage, that he had tried to tear down for so long, were not longer there, and he couldn’t even feel any joy about it. It was ironic, wasn’t it? 

However, something did definitely feel different. 

It started as a vague and unfamiliar tingling sensation that it suddenly increased, to the point that it began tugging at his Grace, all that was left of him. This new force, whatever it was, was trying to pull him out of there, guiding him… where? Would he even be able to break free from that place for real? He had always prided himself in having all the answers, but he was so sure, deep down, of his own eternal punishment, that he didn’t know what he should do next, or where was he being taken. Did God still had plans for the Morning Star? Even if he didn’t want it, had Him forgiven him? 

Oh, that would be too easy. 

And God didn’t answer to the name Sam Winchester, the silly human who had opened Lucifer’s Cage.

But was he really out of the Cage?

It felt… _weird_. Wrong. Like something that wasn’t meant to be happening. He knew Sam Winchester, the same way he knew his brother Dean: even in the Cage, he was aware of the fact that those two brothers were supposed to be the true vessels of Michael and himself, the weapons they would use to bring in the Apocalypse. However, and even though Sam was no ordinary human, he couldn’t understand how was he still alive. He was there, standing in front of him in a place that looked nothing like Hell or the inside of the Cage, a place that smelled like Earth and the infectious scent of humanity, and although he wasn’t sure if he was complete again, after being released from his punishment, he wasn’t being concealed by a vessel. He was an archangel, and even if he was only pure Grace, he was still more than enough to burn the eyes of the human who dared to look at him. And yet, there they were.

“Cas, you okay?”, he heard a voice behind him in the room. Hearing someone else’s voice, it felt like a miracle. However, there was no time to reflect on all the things he was feeling for the first time in what seemed forever. He had questions that demanded an answer. And so, and after contemplating Sam’s concerned expression for a second, he turned, weirded out by the feeling of having a physical form, in time to see Dean Winchester approaching him. 

Something felt different. Really different. As if something was trying to get out from inside.

“Dean Winchester”, he said, as if he was just pointing out what had made him feel that foreign sensation. There was something about that human that didn’t even need a second to manifest. However, there was something else that caught the archangel’s attention, and that was the fact that he was able to talk to him, which came with some surprise. The realisation that he was inside a vessel, which explained a lot of stuff, washed over him, but it also made his time inside the Cage feel more like a long and very awful dream.

“What happened?”, the human asked, looking for Lucifer’s eyes with his own astonishing pair of green orbs. Only that Lucifer already knew that he wasn’t really looking at him. He had a vessel, but, apparently, someone had been there before he arrived.

Before even trying to say anything, he closed his eyes, trying to process all that was happening as fast as he could. Okay, he was out. He had a human body of his own, a vessel he knew nothing about. Who was sharing that vessel with him, if there was still someone else there?

Again, he needed answers, and the questions did nothing but to grow in number by the second.

It was particularly difficult to find the place the other being was hiding. After so long on his own, locked up in the Cage, he had grown unaccustomed to possess a body. He was the Devil, and that was what he did best, yet there he was. Eventually, though, and after all the willpower he was able to use under those circumstances, he found himself in a whole new unfamiliar place, somewhere that was still inside the vessel he was then occupying even though it was similar to the room he found himself after being pushed out of the Cage, and he knew he had found the place where the stranger, because there was a stranger after all, was hiding. 

However, who he found in the middle of the almost empty room, wasn’t a stranger at all.

“Castiel”, he said, and the name of his little brother sounded like something foreign, unknown. 

“Brother”, Castiel answered, his pale aura surrounding him. He looked just as Lucifer remembered him, with the exception that he seemed genuinely scared. That poor little angel. “What are you doing here?”, he asked, as if he was entitled to do so.

“I’ve been released, brother”. It made him smile, saying that out loud. He liked the sound of his own voice, but he liked it even more when there was someone else to listen. Whether that was God’s will or not, it felt like a victory. “I was expecting a warmer welcoming, I must admit. I’ve always hated you less than the rest”.

“You’re in my vessel. No one allowed you to be here”.

“Oh”, Lucifer answered. That was new information. “Yet here I am. I honestly have no idea of what happened”.

“As if I could believe that”, Castiel snorted. “You’re my brother, but you’ve never earned anyone’s trust. Not for nothing, Father vanished you”.

And there it was again. He hadn’t even had the chance to enjoy his freedom, and yet there it was one of his brothers, reminding him of his big mistake, what turned him into the monster under the bed. Truth was, God could not be the good guy of the story if he didn’t have a bad guy opposite to him, someone to blame of all that was wrong in his precious planet. God was not only the creator, but also the most pure and benevolent creature to ever grace the Earth, and it was only because there was Lucifer to remind humanity that he was the only savior and truth. In that moment, Lucifer would have gladly punched Castiel right in the face, but fighting his little brother was the last thing he needed then. 

“You know nothing about that, Castiel”. He was almost hissing the words, trying to conceal his anger.

“I know enough”.

“Why am I here?”.

The question seemed to perplex Castiel. Of course, he really did think that Lucifer was there because he wanted to mess with him, perhaps to take revenge for being forgotten in the Cage for so long. Whatever the reason, he didn’t really believed that it wasn’t his fault that he was there, but there was sincerity in his words, something that really didn’t suit the dark angel and that was definitely unlike him.

“I believe Sam Winchester broke the last seal that kept the Cage locked”, Castiel said, trying to find some logical explanation in the events that preceded that moment. They could both hear Dean’s voice calling Castiel, but none of them tried to take back control to answer him. To Dean’s eyes, the angel was still quiet, with his eyes closed, as if he was trying to find something within himself. 

“But what does that have to do with me being in the same vessel as you?”.

“I have no idea”. Castiel, as most angels, usually told the truth. He knew about it even less than the archangel.

“I couldn’t expect any less from dear Father”, Lucifer laughed, but he didn’t sound happy. If anything, he was feeling miserable. Where was the joy of finally being released of his imprisonment?

“Maybe there’s an explanation”, Castiel said, as if he was trying to reassure him. “Maybe there’s something about this vessel. Maybe…”.

“Maybe dear Father isn’t such a dick, right?”.

“What makes you think that this is Father’s work?”, Castiel asked. He seemed to be upset by Lucifer’s words. It only made the archangel laugh again.

“Do you think he would really let me go?”, he snorted, bitter. Then, he sighed. “Of course you would try to justify him, Cassie. When will you learn that He doesn’t care?”.

Castiel didn’t answer, letting Dean’s voice calling his name fill the silence. Even if he had made the choice to stay and look after the Winchesters, he was still a warrior of God, and he was still pretty much loyal to Heaven. What Lucifer believed, which was exactly what he thought it made him better than the rest, was something he just refused to see. Maybe he wasn’t that different from his old brother, but where it mattered the most, they had literally opposite ideas.

“What will you do?”, he asked, when Dean’s voice started to make him nervous, desperate to come back. “You can’t stay here”.

“Who says that?”, Lucifer answered. He hadn’t really considered what to do next, but having a vessel strong enough to hold him and his brother was something too good to just let it go.

“This is my vessel”, Castiel said, as if that worked as an explanation. Of course, the angel knew that there was nothing he could do against his brother. He was too powerful.

“You seem very fond of Michael’s vessel”, Lucifer commented, while Castiel’s gaze was fixed upon him. There was a silent warning in that, but he didn’t say anything about it. It was almost cute. “Dean, right?”, he added, innocently.

“Don’t you dare…”.

“I think I’ll have some fun”, Lucifer interrupted Castiel, with the biggest smile he could possibly put on his face. “I deserve it”.

And just before Castiel could say a word, Lucifer regained control of the vessel.


	3. The Devil's finest trick is to persuade you that he does not exist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _La plus belle des ruses du diable est de vous persuader qu'il n'existe pas._
> 
>  
> 
> ― Charles Baudelaire, _Paris Spleen_

For some reason, it felt new.

Although it was actually his second time in control of that vessel, the fact that he was aware of his new physical form made all the difference. But then there was also something else, something that not even Lucifer could explain. He had possessed many humans over the years, before the Cage and its never-ending loneliness, but their bodies had never been more than that, meatsuits that he could use as means to an end. Then, while he was being flooded by the memories of Jimmy Novak, the human that used to own that body until Castiel came into his life and completely turned things around, scenes that came to Lucifer like flashes that were hard to follow, hidden in the corners of Castiel’s Grace, he realised that it felt good, almost as if he was back home. It was a weird feeling, definitely new, but he almost enjoyed it.

However, everything was still going extremely fast for him to follow, too used to his quiet existence were nothing ever happened. In the end, that had to be part of dear Father’s game, right?

But he had more immediate problems, then. Not only was he confused about the actual events around him, but he was in a room with Sam and Dean Winchester, who apparently thought that he was his dear baby brother. What Castiel’s relationship was with those two humans, that was a complete mystery to him.

Well, that was awkward.

“Cas, what’s going on?”, Dean asked. 

The look of concern on his face was genuine. Even if Lucifer couldn’t even begin to imagine what Castiel meant for that particular human, he knew right away that there was something else, something that wasn’t meant to happen between an angel and a human, something that maybe even him wasn’t able to fully grasp. Who knew. Castiel had always been such an obedient little soldier. The thought almost made Lucifer laugh. Knowing his brother, he was probably hiding all he felt in the darkest corner of his little self. If only he knew what it felt like, being trapped in the Cage, he wouldn’t be wasting his time like that. 

However, considering his position, maybe that was a good thing. All those years wishing he was free to do a thousand different things, they had changed his perspective of things and made him hungry for them. 

Every chance he got, he had to take it.

There was no point in pretending to be Castiel. He knew too little about the circumstances and his own brother’s behavior to even try to do that. Even though they were sharing a vessel, Lucifer was only able to access Jimmy Novak’s memories, and that didn’t provide much information about what he needed to know. So, he would have to improvise. It wasn’t that he didn’t like that, especially when he could almost taste the want in the human in front of him, present even in a situation where that should be the last of his thoughts. There was no theorising there: what Lucifer believed, that was a fact. And he would have to push his brother out of the dark room where he was hiding. Or himself, for that matter.

He could hear Castiel screaming inside his head when his hands found their way to Dean’s chest, almost caressing the fabric of his jacket before using it to pull him closer to him. That moment was his, and he had no right to take it. That human was his. Whatever. Dean’s preoccupation became surprise at that point, while his warm body was pressed against Castiel’s, but even if he was aware of the fact that something felt different, trying to find any logic to the angel’s actions, everything happened too quickly for him to stop it: without a moment of hesitation, Lucifer leaned forward and kissed him.

Lucifer kissed Dean Winchester like no one had kissed him before, the hunger of his whole existence in the Cage trying to be satiated in the lips and the mouth of Michael’s vessel, the taste of alcohol inviting him to never let go of him. Dean felt stiff against him for a moment, his brain trying to process that he wasn’t dreaming, but suddenly his tongue was trying to explore all the corners of his new mouth, a moan dying inside his throat while his hands finally made it to Lucifer’s waist, pulling him even closer than he already was.

It was a second, a second that lasted an eternity, decorated with Castiel’s cries of pain inside his head and the disconcerted voice of Sam Winchester calling for his brother. 

It was a second, and it felt like Paradise.

“I love you”, whispered Dean against his lips, low enough so it could only reach his ears.

And then, Lucifer laughed.


	4. What can be won by deception

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Never attempt to win by force what can be won by deception._
> 
> ― Niccolò Machiavelli, _The Prince_

Lucifer could see the sheer panic in Dean’s face, and it was delightful. If the hunter had any doubt, clouded in the excitement of his deepest desire finally coming true, it was crystal clear then: the man in front of him, with a wicked smile that showed his white and perfect teeth, that man wasn’t his angel. He shivered. The most important moment in his whole existence, he had given it to someone else. Someone who didn’t deserve it.

“What’s the matter, Dean-o?”, not-Castiel said, his voice all wrong, too high pitched to be his. “You didn’t like it?”.

“You’re not Cas”, Dean said, as if he didn’t quite understand.

“Of course not. My brother doesn’t have what it takes”, Lucifer answered. His fingers were still buried in the fabric of Dean’s jacket, keeping him close. However, Dean didn’t even try to move. “You should be thanking me”.

“Who are you?”, he asked, his voice even lower than before. 

It was still Cas a minute before, he was sure of that, but there was no way he was the one in control of his vessel then. The way he talked was completely unfamiliar, and he did so as someone who knew he was in control, which was unsettling. That wasn’t Jimmy Novak either, and not only because he had met Jimmy before and he would have never done that, but also because the stranger referred to Cas as _brother_ , which proved that he was either an angel or an archangel, even if that didn’t make a lot of sense since angelic possession didn’t work that way. However, there they were. And he would be lying if he said that he couldn’t feel the raw power that he radiated.

“Why don’t you ask your brother?”, the Devil said, with his most innocent look. His eyes moved from Dean to Sam, who was still in the same spot he was when Lucifer appeared. He looked even more terrified than Dean was. “He was the one who set me free”.

Everything went quiet for a moment. Dean could hear his own heartbeat in his ears, and Lucifer was still enjoying the sound of Castiel’s screams inside his head. Sam, who looked extremely small for someone so tall, felt the weight of the world fall on his shoulders, all at once.

“Lucifer”, he said, receiving the warmest smile from the Morning Star in return.

“In the flesh”, he added, almost as if he was proud of Sam for finding out so quickly.

“Where’s Cas? What have you done to him?”. Dean was suddenly anxious, as if someone had woken him up from a dream and he was suddenly stuck in the worst nightmare possible.

“Calm down, he’s okay”, Lucifer sighed, finally letting go of Dean. He wasn’t fun anymore. “I’m in control, but he’s still here”.

Dean felt an unknown pain in his chest. If Cas was still there, did that mean that he had seen everything? Had he seen him kissing Satan? He felt sick.

“Prove it”, Dean said, without thinking too much in what he was saying.

“Prove what?”, Lucifer asked, as if he couldn’t believe the audacity in that human’s voice.

“Prove that Cas is okay”.

“Why would I do that?”, he laughed, even though he was starting to be really annoyed. “I have nothing to prove to you, boy”.

“You don’t, but you owe us”. He was sure that releasing Lucifer from the Cage wasn’t a good idea, but he had to work with what he had, and Cas was his major concern at that moment. “We’re the ones who dragged your ass out of Hell”, he reminded the archangel, who seemed to be staring at his soul with Cas’s blue eyes.

“You’re too arrogant”, Lucifer said. “But I appreciate that”. Not everyone could play his game. Dean Winchester not only did just that, but he had some moves of his own. He smiled, bigger than before. “I will let Cassie come out to say hi and then I will kill you both, what do you say?”. His eyes were still glued to Dean, and he bit his lower lip. “I really want to know how my brother’s true vessel’s blood tastes like”.

It felt so wrong, seeing Cas saying all those things in front of him, as if he was enjoying the fact that he could hurt him. Dean had to remind himself that that was the Devil and not his angel, but the taste in his mouth was just how he had imagined Cas would taste like, and the way the blue of his eyes tried to peek into his soul was still the same he remembered from the one who raised him from perdition. Cas was still there, somewhere. Even if Lucifer was stronger than him, he wouldn’t let that happen… right?

And then, Lucifer’s fingers pressed against his neck.

“You have no idea how easy it would be to snap your neck like a twig. Humans, such delicate creatures”, Lucifer smiled, in a way that was almost sweet, gentle. If it wasn’t Lucifer standing there, anyone would have thought that he really admired humanity. “Oh, but first!”, he said, as if he had suddenly remembered, in a very theatrical way that looked so wrong in Cas’s features. “I’m gonna keep my promise. Cassie, would you like to come out and show your boyfriend that you’re okay?”.

There was a flash of white light in his eyes and, suddenly, it was as if someone had turned off a switch inside him. Cas’s fingers slipped from Dean’s neck and his whole weight fell against him. Dean held him in his arms automatically, as if that had always been Cas’s rightful place, pressing him so tight against his chest that, if Cas was a human, it would have hurt him. Even if Cas hadn’t done or said anything, it felt completely different from Lucifer already, and even if they only had a few seconds before the Devil took back control, the sensation washed over Dean like a blessing, although it was also somehow sad. That was not how their first kiss was supposed to feel like.

“Cas?”, Dean asked, softly against his hair.

“Dean, we don’t have much time”, said Cas, his usual monotone voice turned into a desperate plea. “I can’t hold him back for too long. You have to stop him before he tries to start the Apocalypse”.

“What do you want me to do?”. Even if that was what he did best, he had never dealt with something as powerful as Satan himself or the Apocalypse. As Lucifer had pointed out, he was nothing but a human, what was he supposed to do against the most powerful archangel that had ever existed?

“Holy oil. You need to…”. He seemed to be in a lot of pain, to the point that he got lost in his own speech, unable to form full sentences. “Hold on. Let me take you back to Bobby’s”.

Dean couldn’t even blink and he suddenly felt sick, as always. But they were at the entrance of Bobby’s place, as he had promised. And Cas was holding something in his hand that looked like a vase.

“Do it quickly, Dean. You need to light up the fire so Lucifer can’t escape once he’s back in control”.

Dean nodded, and he took them both inside before he could think of something else, like that could make any difference. He wasn’t sure of where Bobby was, since he seemed to be nowhere to be seen, but he would explain everything to him later on. Even if they weren’t at their best, as it happened with Sam, he would have to understand. He was trying to stop the end of the world, after all. Dean took Cas to the panic room Bobby had built for precisely situations like that and, when he was sure that Cas couldn’t hold Lucifer back anymore, he did as he had asked him, trapping Lucifer inside a ring of fire Cas was sure he couldn’t escape.

And then, the Devil came back.


	5. Satan sits down and enjoys your spiritual meltdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _It is better to stay single and wait for the one that makes sense then to marry someone that makes absolutely no sense. The moment you settle is when the one person that makes all the sense in the world shows up and Satan sits back and enjoys your spiritual meltdown._
> 
> ― Shannon L. Alder

“My mistake”, Lucifer hissed, once he realised where he was. Dean tried to fight back a shiver running down his spine after hearing the change in his voice. There was no more Cas in that sound, only the Devil. “I underestimated my little brother’s strength and how clever he always was”. He looked at Dean, as if he was trying to read something in his face. “It won’t happen again. Castiel will suffer for what he did”.

“Don’t you dare”, said Dean, which sounded very imposing, even though he was actually scared and concerned, more than what he would admit. Although he trusted Cas, he wasn’t sure if Lucifer was gonna be held down in that ring of fire for too long and, more importantly, he wouldn’t stand Lucifer hurting his angel.

“How are you gonna stop me?”, Lucifer smiled, that wicked smile again where he showed his teeth and the tip of his tongue which, even though it wasn’t before, was then split like a snake’s. “Castiel found the way to hold me down, but do you really think that has stopped me before?”.

Dean closed his eyes for a moment, letting out a deep sigh. He wouldn’t admit he was lost, but Lucifer was right and he couldn’t stop him, not without any help, and even if they found a way to get rid of him, Lucifer was holding Cas as hostage, which only made things more complicated.

“You’re smarter than you look”, Lucifer continued. He was enjoying that, there was no denying. Maybe it wasn’t so bad that he was in Castiel’s vessel, even if he was trapped again. “You know I’m right, Dean-o”, Lucifer added, his voice as sweet as honey. Even if he didn’t know how Castiel wore that vessel or what could really trigger Dean, he knew enough about human nature to know that that was usually the way people got whatever they wanted. “Why would you fight me?”, he asked, as if he had suddenly decided that it was more useful for him to play the hunted instead of the hunter.

“Shut up”, Dean said. Again, he was fully aware of what Lucifer was trying to do, yet there he was, unable to stop him before falling into his trap. With Lucifer possessing Castiel’s body, Dean wasn’t more than a puppet in his hands.

“You like this vessel. You even told me you love me before you realised I wasn’t my brother!”. Dean’s cheeks turned red, which made Lucifer pleased of his speech. “I could give you that”, he added, in the most insinuating way he was capable of. Even if his voice sounded all wrong, that made Dean shiver. “All you long for, I can offer it to you”, Lucifer continued, his blue eyes shining with something that looked like pure need, but also lust. If Dean had to describe what he was seeing, he would just use the word _tempting_. His hands moved from his sides to his tie, and he began to loosen the knot. “You just…”.

“You’re not Cas!”, Dean interrupted him, almost yelling. He couldn’t stand that anymore. His mouth was dry and he was shaking, and he wanted that so bad he could kill for it… but not really. Even if he looked like Cas, and even if he was offering him the whole universe, he wasn’t what he really wanted. “And you’re not hurting him, you hear me?”, he added, in the same aggressive tone, before Lucifer could say anything else, which seemed to upset him. As many other things, he wasn’t used to that.

“Angels are so easy to break…”, Lucifer said after a while, as if he was ignoring Dean again, only paying attention to the sound of his own voice. He really liked how he sounded in that vessel, though. So right. He closed his eyes, enjoying what he was saying. “Even if I don’t really hate my brother, this will be fun”.

“Let me talk to him”, he demanded. He knew he didn’t have the right, and the more he asked things from Lucifer, the less he would get them, but there wasn’t much he could do.

“Of course”, he smiled, once more. He moved closer to Dean, as close as the ring allowed him to be. “I wouldn’t make him suffer if you weren’t here to watch it, Dean-o”, he whispered, in a way only the Devil could speak.

After that, he started screaming.


	6. To make one, there must be two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _To make one, there must be two._
> 
> ― W.H. Auden

Cas.

Dean was tempted to get rid of the ring to get to Cas, but he remembered, in time to stop himself from doing something stupid, that that would release Lucifer as well, and that was exactly what he was trying to stop. The sound of Cas’s screams was nerve-wracking, but he realised soon enough that there was nothing he could do to save him from the suffering that he didn’t deserve without giving Lucifer the power to do whatever he wanted to do, from killing them all to starting the Apocalypse. It was like a nightmare, but there was no way he could wake up from that. If he hadn’t provoked Lucifer in the first place, maybe he wouldn’t do that to Cas… 

_No, now’s not the time for the pity party, Dean_ , he reminded himself. He was still ashamed, scared, hurt and angry, but it didn’t matter. Not then.

He watched Cas fall to the floor, curling up inside the flames that separated him from Dean as if he was trying to protect himself. He wasn’t screaming anymore, but he was shaking, and he was still clearly in pain.

“Cas?”, Dean whispered, but the angel didn’t seem to hear him.

Dean got closer, cautiously. He could see his face, but his eyes were closed and there was blood running down his face, coming from his eyes, as if he was crying, and his nose. He felt the burning need, again, of crossing the ring and holding him in his arms, but he held his breath and tried to think. He was still alive, and he was still in control of his body. Those were both good things, and things that he could use to try to save him. He just had to think.

And then, he remembered.

Of course, there was still something he could do. Even if that had always seemed like the worst idea one could possibly have, Cas was important enough for that. 

“Cas, can you hear me?”, he said. He got on his knees, looking at him through the cold flames of the ring of holy oil. Cas nodded, lightly, but he didn’t move or looked at him. “Listen, buddy, we don’t have a lot of time. You need to get out of there”.

“But I can’t…”, he whispered. Hearing his voice, as deep as it used to be whenever it was Cas who was in charge of that body, sent a wave of relief that washed over Dean like a blessing.

“You need to get out of Jimmy, Cas”, Dean insisted. That time, Cas opened his eyes and looked at him, as if he couldn’t believe what he was asking. There was still new blood coming out of them, but he didn’t seem to care anymore.

“W-what do you mean? I... can’t leave. I have nowhere…”.

“Take me”, Dean said, before he could finish a sentence that seemed to only add more pain to the mix. He knew what he would said, but there was no other choice. He wouldn’t just sit and watch him suffer only because Lucifer thought it was fun. “Use me as your vessel while we find a way to take Lucifer back to Hell”.

“I-I can’t do that, Dean”. Castiel stammered. Of course he was suffering immensely, but he didn’t want to do that to Dean. He wouldn’t forgive himself if he hurt him in any way. “I don’t want you to…”.

“Of course you can”, Dean interrupted him again. “I’m Michael’s true vessel. I can take you. And I’m saying yes”.

There was no answer. Cas was still lying on the floor, his cheek against the ground. Even if Dean knew that Lucifer wouldn’t kill him, he looked as if he didn’t have much time left, and it was pulling at his soul like nothing ever did. At that moment, he would do anything to stop that.

“Cas, c’mon. You can’t stay there, and you could help us more with this than anyone else”. Silence. “Cas, please. I-I…”. He would probably regret what he was about to say, considering that he was still hurting from what he did earlier, when kissing Lucifer. “I need you, Cas. I really need you. I can’t stand that he’s there, hurting you, and that I can’t do anything about it. Take me, please”.

He swallowed up the _I love you_ he had been trying to scream since he knew it was really Cas there, but it was still too soon for him to be able to admit it again, when his chest was still aching and when he had so many doubts again. The only thing he knew, which should be enough for Cas to do as he was asking, was that he cared about him, and that he didn’t want him to suffer. He needed him, and that was the closest he had ever been to admitting he loved him, even if he had thought for a moment that he had finally been brave enough to say it while looking him in the eye. How could he know that it would be Lucifer who was looking back at him?

“I will do it”, Cas said, after a long moment of silence. He was shaking again, and Dean wasn’t sure if it was because he was suffering again or because he was fighting back Lucifer. He got back up, which took him more than it should, and he stared at Dean with the most heartbreaking look the hunter had ever seen. “You have to know that this won’t be easy on you”.

“I know”, Dean answered. “I’m willing to take my chances”.

“Do you say yes, then?”.

“Yes”.


	7. Tell me where you end, for I no longer know where I begin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Tell me where the swans go in the winter  
>  I need to know if the mute ones can sing._
> 
> _Tell me why stars fall from the sky  
>  I need to know if it is luck they bring._
> 
> _Tell me why feathers land near you  
>  I need to know if you've injured your wing._
> 
> _Now, tell me where you end, my angel  
>  For I no longer know where I begin._
> 
> ― Kamand Kojouri

Dean didn’t know what he was supposed to feel. He had never been possessed before, and the only person he had met who had been possessed for more than a hot second was Jimmy Novak, Cas’s vessel up to that moment, and he didn’t have a lot of nice things to say about the process. However, it didn’t feel bad. It was Cas, right in front of him, and suddenly, it was Cas… _everywhere_. He could feel him inside him, filling him up in ways he had never been, touching even the smallest, most forgotten nerve in his system. It was overwhelming, but knowing it was Cas, it felt almost good. Soothing. Dean was too used to being in pain, and that felt just the opposite. In a second, he understood what it meant to feel blessed. And he embraced it.

It wasn’t the only thing that felt different, though. Once the general overwhelming sensation of being invaded by Cas decreased, he was expecting to feel him taking over his body, but that didn’t happen at all. Dean was still Dean, only he felt slightly different and, even though he was unable to describe such an unknown sensation, less alone than he had ever felt. And so, he opened his eyes, that he had kept closed the whole time, afraid they might burn with Cas’s Grace out of his vessel, and he got ready for whatever would happen next.

“Cas?”, he said, realising too late that he was saying it out loud. How was he supposed to talk to him? There wasn't a blueprint for an event like that that he could read beforehand.

 _I'm here, Dean. You don't need to talk out loud. Just think what you want to say, and I'll hear it_.

 _This is too weird, man_ , Dean said, or thought, as if it wasn't obvious.

 _Are you okay? Did I hurt you?_. 

Castiel sounded concerned. Even if he couldn't see him and his voice wasn't really in his ears—although, in a weird way, it _sounded_ like his voice did in his original vessel, the one Dean remembered—he was surprised by all the many details he could gather from just words dancing in his mind.

 _I'm okay, Cas_ , he said, and he meant it. _Better than ever, actually_. Which was true. He remembered the first time he was hurt and Cas used his Grace to cure him. Then, that sensation was all over him, permanently.

 _I tried to be as careful as possible_ , Cas added, as if he really needed to explain that. Dean felt his Grace inside, trembling. _I didn't want to hurt you_.

 _You didn't_ , Dean said, reassuringly. _But how come you're not in control?_.

 _I don't need to control your body to possess you_ , Castiel explained. _I wanted to make things easier for you, so you're still in control of your body. I won't take it unless you tell me otherwise_.

 _Okay. Thanks, I guess_.

 _Don't mention it. You're the one who's lending me his body so I don't have to suffer Lucifer's tantrums_.

 _What do we do now?_ , Dean asked. For some reason, it felt right to ask for Cas’s opinion, as they were sharing a body.

 _We should go back_ , Castiel suggested. _Sam must be really confused. We could use his help_.

 _Yeah, you're right_ , Dean started. He was actually nervous, as talking about those things wasn't what he did best. _About that… you know that things are not great between us, right?_.

 _I'm aware of that, Dean_ , Castiel answered, in which seemed to be a reassuring tone. _Would you like me to take control to speak to him before you do?_ , he suggested.

 _I… I would appreciate that, Cas_. Dean said. Maybe it was the most coward choice he could make then, but there was too much taking place at the same time for him to be able to deal with all of it.

 _I will do it, then. Relax. I don't want to fight control, it could hurt you_.

Of course, it was easier said than done. Although Castiel used some of his Grace to soothe him and Dean trusted Cas enough to let him take over his body, there was an inherent defense mechanism within him that just didn't allow him to give in to Cas, which made things harder than what they seemed before. However, and though they needed some precious few minutes, they managed to do it in the end, another new and foreign sensation that flooded Dean but that, weirdly enough, was almost pleasurable.

“Are you okay?”, Castiel said, using Dean's voice. It made Dean cringe, listening to the sound of his voice with Cas's words, deeper than usual, the same way he spoke with Jimmy's voice.

 _Yes. But don't do that with my voice, dude. You're gonna fuck up my vocal cords_.

“My apologies”, Cas said, sounding more like Dean would. “Is this better?”.

 _Yeah, definitely_.

They were still right in front of the ring of holy fire, where Cas had left Jimmy's body after fighting Lucifer with all the strength he had left. The archangel was still in front of him, blood still dripping from his face, but there it was that dangerous smile again, that felt so wrong in Cas's face it was like a living nightmare. He didn't seem too upset about what had happened, though.

“Look at you both”, he said, as if that was the funniest thing he could think of. “You haven't even gone out on a date yet and you're already sharing… everything”. He laughed. “This just gets better by the minute!”.

Cas could feel Dean desperately wanting to answer Lucifer back, but he calmed him down with his Grace, which seemed to surprise Dean. Of course, there was so much he didn’t know about being possessed, especially when the one possessing him was an angel who cared more about his well-being than anything else. As weird as it sounded, it was reassuring. He would punch Lucifer in the face before all that was over, but he could wait for a while.

Cas smiled, which felt foreign in Dean’s face.

“You’re upset because you didn’t expect me to be able to stop you”, he said, his eyes fixed on Lucifer. “I know you, brother. This is you pretending that you don’t care, but you do. I’ve seen you act like this before”.

Something seemed to change in Lucifer’s face, but it was obvious that he was determined not to show his intentions, if he really had any, to his younger brother. Was he gonna mention the Cage again, the way he had been punished by their Father for his actions? He didn’t even care anymore. If anything, he was starting to get bored of being reminded of that all the time.

“Good things come to those who wait”, he said, with an enigmatic smile. The smile didn’t go all the way up to his eyes, though. It was unsettling. “And I’ve been waiting for quite some time now, brother”, he added, which sounded like a warning.

“Don’t get your hopes too high”, Cas answered, bitterly. He didn’t realise how angry he actually was until that moment. “You will go back to that Cage and you will rot there”.

“And miss all the fun?”, Lucifer laughed, as if he didn’t care about the anger in Cas’s voice. 

Why should Lucifer be scared of a tiny angel? Even if he had the higher ground then, it was still pathetic. It was only a matter of time that he won, and he was sure that he wasn’t the only one who knew that. Surviving was what he did best, after all. Conquering, starting from the very bottom.

“Also”, he added, still in that cheerful tone that made Dean clench his fists. “Are you willing to give up this vessel? Because I’m most definitely keeping it”.

“I don’t care about the vessel”, Castiel lied, staring back at Lucifer, defiantly. “I just want you gone. For good”.

Castiel was furious, in a way he hadn’t been in a very long time. Under other circumstances, he would have even helped his older brother, but Lucifer had crossed a line he didn’t even know it was there until he went too far, and even if he was still a powerless angel when it came to the Morning Star, he would do anything to make him pay. He was just an angel, but he was a very determined and relentless angel.

“You’re too good for this, Castiel. We both know that”, Lucifer said, looking at him as if he was really sorry for him. He actually was, in a way. Being so good and righteous was probably very boring and tiring. “And how long do you think you can stay inside Dean without consequences?”, he added, raising his eyebrow.

“Like you cared about Dean”.

“I don’t”, Lucifer shrugged. “But you do”.

 _Cas, just ignore him_ , Dean spoke to Cas, trying to make him remember that they had something to do, that Lucifer was just trying to play with him. _You won’t hurt me_.

Of course, he knew. He would hurt himself before hurting Dean, and Lucifer was just trying to win a battle after losing a war, to make him doubt and maybe fail. He knew, the same way he knew Lucifer was enjoying every second of that, like he had relished torturing him until Dean offered himself as a vessel. Lucifer was his brother, but he had also earned his place in Hell like no one else, whether it was as a ruler or as a prisoner. 

“Then”, Castiel finally said, after a deep breath. “I hope that I can stay long enough to send you back to Hell, brother”.

And with a flutter of wings, they were gone.


	8. Being in love means that someone can get inside you and mess you up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up._
> 
> ― Neil Gaiman, _The Kindly Ones_

After making sure that there was no way for Lucifer to escape his improvised prison and hurt Sam, Dean went back to where all had started and got his car back. Even if he could just use Cas’s powers while the angel was still possessing his body, he couldn’t bring himself to just forget about his Baby for a while. Driving made him slower, but it was also something almost spiritual for him, and he could really use that time then. He couldn’t help himself but to wonder if Cas was listening to every single thought he was having, though. After offering himself as his vessel, he had tried to think as little as possible about him, but it was almost an impossible task when all he usually did was just that. And there was also what had happened between him and Lucifer, which was still burning inside his chest. He wanted to make things right, and he wanted to give Cas all he deserved, but there was no way for him to do that in the middle of such a monumental mess. The thought was almost enough for him to wish that the end of time was really upon them.

 _You seem distressed_ , Cas said. Dean had been driving for about half an hour in absolute silence, which was weird enough considering how much he enjoyed his tape collection.

“Can you see what I’m thinking?”, Dean asked. He instantly regretted his question. He didn’t want to make it so obvious that he was hiding something from him.

 _I can_ , Cas answered. _But I won’t do it, unless you tell me otherwise_.

“Why did you say that I seem distressed, then?”.

 _The fact that I’m choosing not to see what you’re thinking doesn’t mean that I don’t get fragments of what those thoughts make you feel. I’m still inside you, after all_.

“Please, don’t say it that way. It sounds wrong”. He didn’t have to check his face in the mirror to know that he was blushing like a teenager with a crush.

 _My apologies. I was just trying to answer to your question_.

“Yeah, I know, it's just…”. Dean sighed. “There's a lot going on right now, Cas”.

 _I understand. But we will fix everything. That's what we do, right?_.

There was a brief moment of silence, and Dean could've sworn that he felt Cas trying to hold back a thought, which was an odd thing to feel inside you when you weren't the one doing it.

“What is it, Cas?”, he asked, which seemed to surprise the angel.

 _Is it the fact that Lucifer kissed you what troubles you?_.

Well, fuck. He knew. All he had been trying so desperately to hide it from him, at least until he could talk to him without the friggin' Apocalypse getting in the way, it was then out in the open. That made things even more complicated. Dean wasn't sure if he was ready for it.

“How do you know that?”, Dean asked, not sure if he wanted to know the answer.

 _Lucifer made me watch, when he took over my vessel. He knew that would hurt me_.

Hurt. Why would that _hurt_ Cas? It was such a big deal for Dean since he had always had feelings for Cas, but in the end, it had only been a kiss. Could it be that…?

 _Did you really mean it when you said you loved me?_.

Dean's knuckles were white from clenching his fists on the steering wheel. He tried to focus on the road in front of him, trying to relax his mind for a second, but it was really hard to do anything at all. His heart was beating faster than ever, so loud he could feel it in his ears, and his mouth was dry, like he had been wandering in the desert for days. Since the first moment he had laid eyes on the angel, he had been trying to hide that, both from himself and the rest of the world. And suddenly, there was nowhere to run anymore. The truth was out, and maybe it was time to tell Cas what he deserved to know. 

But he was scared. So scared it was paralyzing. 

He had thought for a moment that he had finally done it, when Lucifer kissed him the way he had always dreamt of doing with Cas, that he had finally dared to stop being a coward and that the weight of the world was finally off his shoulders. He felt more alive that he had ever felt, his best kept secret finally in the hands of the one that deserved to hold his heart like a trophy. He couldn't have been more wrong. 

And then, he was back in square one. And it was even worse than before.

 _It wasn't your fault, Dean. You couldn't possibly know it wasn't me_ , Cas said, as if that would make Dean feel any better. _I just… I really wanted to know if you still thought you were with me, when you said that_. 

It was weird and new, to hear Cas stutter. He always seemed so sure of all he said. He was the celestial being who was never wrong, after all. The one who didn't deserve Dean at all. The one who probably wasn't able to have feelings for the tiny, stupid human who had tried to pour his heart out to him in the middle of the beginning of the Apocalypse.

“This is not the way I imagined this going, Cas”, Dean said, and he laughed. It was that or crying. “But if you really want to know”, he continued, with a big sigh. “Yes, I really meant it when I said I love you”.

Dean tried to imagine Cas's face, with his impossible blue eyes and the way they softened when he looked at him, the warm smile that was never quite there in his lips like a promise. He had dreamt about that while holding his face, telling him that he was the whole world and more, the stars drowning in his eyes, and he wouldn't even care if that was the last time he'd be allowed to tell him all he felt, because it would be enough for a lifetime. All he had then was the road, the aching in his chest that wasn't really his and the uncertainty of how that would change things.

 _I love you too, Dean. And I am so sorry_.

Dean stopped the car, unable to do anything else. Allowing Cas to possess his body had been a hell of a rollercoaster, but hearing all he had ever wanted to hear since the first time he had talked to Cas as nothing more than a voice in his head was a whole other level of insanity. It made things surreal, as if that was nothing more than a dream, a mental representation of how he wanted things to be, instead of what they really were. Cas’s vessel was back at Bobby’s, possessed by Lucifer, and he was trapped with his angel in his very own body. How could he do that? Could he even? He wanted to cry, but he also had to force himself to keep his head out of the water. It was Cas, after all. He owed him that much, right? 

“You don’t have to be sorry”, he managed to say, in the middle of the tempest that was taking place in his mind. “You did nothing wrong, Cas”.

He felt his fingers moving, followed by his hand. He wasn’t doing that, but he just let it happen. 

_I should have said it earlier. Later, maybe_ , Cas said, still in control of Dean’s right hand. He moved it until he was able to brush one of his cheeks with the tip of his fingers, and Dean closed his eyes as a reaction, trying to picture Cas there, with him. _And what Lucifer did, he’s gonna pay for that_. 

So, Dean wasn’t the only one who felt that something had been taken from him, the moment Lucifer kissed him while pretending to be Cas. Cas thought so, too. It was a relief, somehow. Even if that didn’t make any difference whatsoever.

“I don’t care about Lucifer”, Dean said, his eyes still closed. 

If he didn’t think about what was actually happening, he could almost see Cas there, fingers moving from his face to his lips. All he cared about then was Cas, Cas and the things he so desperately had been trying to hide from him. Secrets were not secrets anymore. It was as if his very foundation had been shredded to a million little pieces. 

“What can we do?”, he asked in a whisper, and he didn’t mean to sound as scared as he actually did. 

He wasn’t even sure if he was talking about the Apocalypse, Cas’s body, Lucifer or their own situation, but everything had become so overwhelming since the moment Cas had said those three words that meant the universe, he was at a loss for words or things to do. He had never been in love before, and he was sure that no one had fallen in love with him before. He had never had time to reflect on those things, though: why would he want that, when he was constantly on the verge of dying? His life wasn’t meant for certainty or security. He had Sam, and he couldn’t afford to have someone else to look after. 

And then, Cas came into his life, and things were never the same again.

 _It’s okay, Dean_ , Cas said. Even if it wasn’t possible, Dean could’ve sworn that he felt something similar to a kiss against his forehead. That made him miraculously calm, which was impressive considering that he was sure that he was about to break. If all Cas, a heavenly and unstoppable creature, needed to calm down was a touch from Dean, there wasn’t much the angel couldn’t do with the hunter. Like making his heart beat like a drum.

“Nothing’s okay, Cas”.

 _You have Sam back. You saved me from Lucifer. Now, we fight. This is what we do. We can worry about the rest later_.

He had a point, though. The only problem was that Dean wasn’t sure that he’d be able to let go.

“What if we can’t make it?”.

 _We will. I need to get back what Lucifer took from me. From us_ , he added, making sure that Dean knew he wasn’t talking about his vessel. The way he said it, it was like a certainty. And Dean, trying to ignore the ache in his heart, believed him. At the end of the day, he was still all he had. For once, though, he wasn’t screaming in an empty room: Cas was there to hold his heart the way it was supposed to be held.

He could wait for the rest to happen.


	9. The Devil fools with the best laid plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _The Devil fools with the best laid plans._
> 
> \- Neil Young

Dean got some takeaway food for him and Sam and came back to the house, where they tried to reach Bobby, who was nowhere to be found. No one answered their calls, which usually meant that the hunter was in the middle of something and didn’t want to be bothered. Both Sam and Dean knew that he wouldn’t be too happy if he knew that they had trapped the Devil inside his house, but he was also one of the few people who could actually know what to do with him. With that option out of their list of possible solutions, they did some quiet, old-school research about their current situation. It wasn’t very enlightening, to say the least. There was no human being, whether it was a hunter or your ordinary victim of a supernatural event, that had lived to tell the tale of that time they encountered Lucifer, nor they knew how to stop him. The seals were broken, and God wasn’t there to send him back to where he belonged: to put it in the most mundane way possible, they were fucked.

It was quite late at night, when Dean finally decided that it was pointless to keep looking into the books they had. He was a little bit annoyed, since being possessed by an angel didn’t allow him to enjoy the hamburger he had been so eager to eat, and the results of the research didn’t help his mood at all. However, Sam was determined to find something. He couldn’t allow himself to just give up, not when everything was his fault, and there was no way he could be convinced otherwise. If there were no accounts on how to defeat Lucifer, he would write them himself, but there had to be something he could use to, at least, start.

 _What if we ask the prophet?_ , Cas said, after Dean tried to reason with Sam so he could get some sleep for several minutes. It was the first time he talked, since the conversation they had had in the car. 

“Chuck?”, Dean asked, which was welcomed by a confused look from his younger brother.

 _Maybe he has seen something, or he knows what we should do with Lucifer. He is a messenger of God, after all_.

He had a point, as always. The only difference was that he was the only one able to listen to what he had to say.

“Am I missing something?”, Sam asked. Which wasn’t new, considering that Cas and Dean always seemed to be sharing private conversations no one else could follow, even in a crowded room. The meaning of that question was then more literal than ever.

“Cas is suggesting that we ask Chuck about this”, Dean explained, as if it was the most obvious thing.

“It could work”, Sam said. He was willing to believe anything, at that point.

“I will try to reach him”, Dean said. He was too tired of unfruitful searches to try to juggle with any other options at that moment, and Sam needed to get some rest. 

It seemed like a plan, which was better than what they had before that. 

However, they weren’t the only ones.


	10. Fear can't hurt you any more than a dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _The thing is - fear can't hurt you any more than a dream._
> 
> — William Golding, _Lord of the Flies_

Sam would be lying, if he said he wasn’t tired. Not only had that day been one of the roughest days of his life, but the previous weeks he hadn’t allowed his body a lot of rest, which only got worse as days went by. He wanted to find a solution to the Lucifer question more than anyone else, but he couldn’t deny that he was almost grateful when Dean told him that he had the situation under control, and that he should try to get some sleep. He wouldn’t probably sleep, but at least he could fool his body long enough to feel somewhat rested.

He wasn’t really counting on sleeping, much less on dreaming. However, the moment he touched the bed and closed his eyes, it was Jessica who he found on the world behind his eyelids.

“Hey, baby”, she said, and he couldn’t help it but to feel a shiver running down his spine. Of course, he knew he was dreaming, and his instincts were screaming at him to try and wake up, but there was only so much he could do when it came to Jessica. “I’ve missed you”, she added, a warm smile in her lips.

He had been there before, when the dreams wouldn’t even allow him to sleep for a single minute. He had tried to fight it with all he had, but he had never been really successful, not on his own, anyways. However, he had never dreamed with Jessica the way he remembered her, lying next to him as if the world wasn’t about to end, as if he had never left to never come back. 

As if she had never died, or as if she wasn’t about to do so.

“Jessica”, he said. He realised how strange that name sounded in his lips, after so long. He had missed the sound of her name, the same way he had missed the touch of her skin under his fingers. If he wasn’t sure that something was terribly wrong, he would have just given in to that, whether it would last a second or a lifetime.

“You seem worried”, she said, her hand resting against his face. All he could do, then, was to look at her face. She had started to become a blurry figure in his mind, yet there she was, an exact copy of what she used to be before she burned on the ceiling.

“You know that already. You’re in my head”.

All he wanted to do was to look at her, just look at her, burn her image in his mind again and keep her like the ghost that never left his side. He knew he would never love anyone the way he loved her, and he couldn’t shake the thought of how cruel life was, for her to be the first one to die because of him, because he was a freak without a remedy. He really needed her, and there would never be a moment in his life where he would think differently.

And God, it hurt. It was all a dream, a twisted game he had to escape, whether he liked it or not. 

He got up and sat down at the edge of the bed, his face between his hands. He was so tired, and he couldn’t rest even if he was sleeping. There was only so much a simple human could take without breaking. He could feel it in his bones.

“You shouldn’t think so much”, Jessica said, suddenly right behind him, her hands on his shoulders, her lips too close to the shell of his ear. “Why don’t you just…”. He felt her tongue against his skin, her hands finally finding their way under his shirt. “Enjoy this, for a little while? C’mon, Sam, you know you deserve it”.

There was only so much a simple human could take without breaking. He could feel it in his bones.

And so, he gave in.

Her mouth was still as warm as he remembered it, his hands still made to hold her. It was passionate, and raw, but it also hid the thousand speeches he had made just for her in all the time they had been apart, all the tears he had shed and all the sleepless nights he had given her. She was so, so real. If he didn’t think at all, it was as if time had reversed itself, as if he was still in Stanford, the life of the hunter nothing but a sad childhood memory. He loved his brother, the same way he knew he wasn’t meant to live a regular life, but God, he’d be lying if he said he didn’t want that so badly he could taste it.

He pushed her back into the mattress, his body on top of hers, like a cage for the most precious bird in the sky. There was not a sound, nothing beyond their fingers and gasps for air, teeth and tongues. Maybe she wasn't an angel, but she was definitely beyond the rest of humanity, whether she was a dream, a memory. A corpse.

No. _No!_

And then he saw her eyes glowing red, and she wasn't Jessica anymore. Instead, pressed and imprisoned by his own body, there was Castiel. A foreign smile was dancing in his face, his tongue ever so slightly touching his upper teeth. No, that wasn't Castiel.

“Miss me, Sammy?”, Lucifer said, Cas's voice coming out all wrong from his lips. His hands were still all over Sam's body, and he pressed one of his hands against Sam's crotch, which was welcomed by an involuntary moan. “Oh, look at you, all hard for me!”. He bit his lower lip, clearly enjoying himself. Sam felt the blood in his cheeks, but he realised that he was completely paralysed.

“Y-you are n-not real”, Sam said. Why was it so hard to talk, all of a sudden?

“Are you sure about that? Do you really think a cute little ring of fire could keep me away from that little head of yours?”. 

Lucifer's hand was then softly caressing his face, like the gentle lover he had pretended to be. Jessica. He had no right.

“You belong to me, Sam”, he smiled, sweet as honey.

“No!”, Sam answered, louder than he had intended to do.

“Are you sure about that?”, Lucifer insisted. He raised his head from the mattress, until his nose brushed against Sam’s. “Why don’t you fight me, then?”.

If he knew the answer to that question, he wouldn't be like a dead body on top of Lucifer, that was for sure. However, there was still that something about the archangel that made him completely defenseless and useless, as if he really was the puppet made for him to play with. As if he didn’t have enough reasons to blame himself for everything, to consider himself a problem more than a fix.

The Devil was looking at him. Well, that was an understatement: Lucifer was staring into his very soul. His blue eyes were shining bright, as if they were a couple of impossible blue stars, and his warm breath was brushing against his lips, almost suggestively. He even looked innocent, if not _heavenly_ , the same way the most poisonous flowers always look the most beautiful. Sam knew that, if they made it out of that alive, he would never be able to look at Cas the same way ever again, not while he was still in that vessel. That face he used to recognise as the face of the only friend Dean and himself had ever had, was then the embodiment of all the mistakes he had ever made. 

And yet, when Lucifer kissed him, his hands pressing against his neck, he answered with a moan inside his mouth, offering no resistance whatsoever. 

“See?”, he said, softly. He was running his fingers through Sam’s hair, as if he was an animal he had finally been able to tame. “All mine”.

As if someone flipped a switch inside him the moment he felt the Devil’s fingers against his scalp, Sam realised that he was no longer scared: he was furious. He was mad at Lucifer for using him, and he was mad at himself for allowing him to do so.

But maybe Lucifer was right. Maybe that was the answer he was looking for, the only thing he was meant to do. Maybe he belonged to Lucifer to an extent he couldn’t even understand, and maybe he really couldn’t escape it, no matter how hard he tried.

Maybe he couldn’t move because he really didn’t want to.

Lucifer laughed. It had been a very long time since the last time he had had that much fun.

And then, something crossed Sam’s mind.

Dean.

Dean would never allow him to give in to Lucifer. Even if they had had their differences, Sam knew that Dean would never believe what Sam was starting to think, the same way he’d rather die than to allow Lucifer to wear his brother like the tailored suit he was supposed to be. There was no way for Dean to know what was going on in Sam’s mind, but the thought of how Dean would react if he knew what Sam had considered for a moment was enough to bring Sam back to reality, to make him look at Lucifer as if it was the first time he did so and finally get away from him, as if he had found in Dean the strength he was lacking.

“Get out of my head!”, he yelled, and it was refreshing to finally feel back in control. Lucifer, on the other hand, looked rather upset. He sat down and fixed Cas’s suit, that he was still wearing even if the angel’s usual trench coat was nowhere to be seen.

“You don’t have to be so rude”, he said, as if that was nothing more than a minor inconvenience. However, there was something terrifying dancing in his eyes. “I just wanted us to have some fun, that’s all. Would you like me more if…?”. 

He stood up, approaching Sam again, who had gotten as far away from the bed as possible without leaving the room. By the time he was right in front of him, he looked like Jess again, sweet and perfect in every detail.

“Do you like it more if I look like poor Jessica?”, he said, using her voice. “I know how much you think about her, that’s why I used her in the first place”.

“You have no right to use her”, Sam said, avoiding to look at Lucifer. He wouldn’t fall for that again.

“And you had the right to kill her?”, Lucifer said, with a smile. “Because you know as well as I do that she is dead because of you”.

_Sam. Sam. SAM._

“That’s not…”, Sam started. How could he fight something he knew it was true?

“You can’t even deny it”.

_Sam. Sammy, wake up._

“I could make it all go away”, Lucifer continued, Jess’s hands on Sam’s face. “I could take care of you, Sammy. Give you all you deserve. You don’t need any of this on your shoulders”.

_SAMMY, WAKE UP._

Sam closed his eyes and sighed. He knew he was losing his mind, too tired to even stop for a second and contemplate the consequences of his train of thought, but Lucifer’s offer was starting to sound tempting. Right. He just had to say yes, and then…

“Sam!”, Dean said, vigorously shaking Sam by grabbing him by his shoulders. 

He was finally awake. He was so glad he could cry.


	11. I don't want whatever I want

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I don't want whatever I want. Nobody does. Not really. What kind of fun would it be if I just got everything I ever wanted just like that, and it didn't mean anything? What then?_
> 
> ― Neil Gaiman, _Coraline_

“Are you okay?”, Dean said, while Sam sat down. He was dampened in cold sweat and his throat hurt, as if he had been yelling for a very long time. “I heard you from the other room”.

“I was having a nightmare”, Sam said, as if it wasn’t obvious. He didn’t want to tell Dean what he had been dreaming about, though. Even if it wasn’t really his fault, he felt suddenly embarrassed about it. At least Dean had woken him up before he did something he would definitely regret later.

“That much I could tell”, Dean said. “Is there anything I should know? We’ve been here before, and it’s not the first time you…”.

“It’s okay, Dean. Really”, Sam interrupted him. “There’s so much going on I just…”. He went quiet, as if he was looking for the right words, but he just couldn’t find them. He realised he was still shaking, but he tried to hide it as best as he could.

That was when he saw the wings.

He felt stupid. How did it take him that long to see them? In his defense, not only was it really dark and they merged with the background, but they were practically laying on the floor, only the parts that were the closest to Dean’s back really standing up. However, the moment he laid eyes on them, he couldn’t help himself but to gasp, what had just happened to him completely forgotten for a moment.

“Sam?”, he heard Dean say. Then, he realised what Sam was looking at and sighed. “They’ve been bothering me for quite some time now”, he said, as an explanation. “I can’t really do anything about it and Cas doesn’t seem to want to take control right now”.

“I never thought they’d be that… real”, Sam said. He was clearly amazed by it.

“I thought so too. But they’re very real. And annoying”, Dean complained. His wings flapped, as if they were upset by his comment. Suddenly, they were spread behind Dean, huge and stunning, and it really was something to witness.

“At least you don’t need to sleep, with Cas inside you and all that”, Sam said, while still staring at his wings. He really couldn’t take his eyes off them.

“Yeah, but…”. Dean went quiet, as if he were pondering on something. “There’s actually something I need to ask you”.

“Sure”, Sam said. He wasn’t expecting Dean’s cheeks to turn red, though. “What is it?”, he asked, seeing that Dean didn’t bring himself to talk.

“Could you… touch them? The wings, I mean”, Dean said, really low. 

It was very unlike Dean, to be all flustered and shy, and it really made Sam wonder about the implications of someone touching an angel’s wings. However, if Dean really needed that, he would do it, no matter what. He had given him his word, after all, and he would be lying if he said he wasn’t eager to know what the wings felt like to the touch.

“Is that what you need?”, Sam asked, as if he wanted to make sure that he was really understanding what was happening.

“I know it sounds weird, but I really need someone to do it”.

Cas had been _begging_ for it inside his head for the longest time, actually. Dean had really tried to calm him down, to ask him what was happening to suddenly need such a thing, but there was something about being inside Dean that had just made the angel lose control, and there was nothing that could stop the urge that had suddenly taken over his whole being. 

Not even the fact that he was about to do something that he would probably regret for the rest of his existence could get rid of the need possessing his entire being. _Theirs_.

Sam touched the first feather as if it was something sacred, and he felt Dean trembling under his fingers almost instantly. It didn’t seem right, to think that those wings belonged, at least momentarily, to his older brother, but he would be lying if he said that he wasn’t in awe, especially when, as if they had a conscience of their own, the wings pressed closer to him, to the point the feathers started brushing against his face, instead of his hands. He had touched feathers many times before, but there wasn’t an animal on the planet that had a set of wings that felt quite like that. _Heavenly_ was the word, which wasn’t really surprising considering that those were, in fact, the wings of an Angel of the Lord. An Angel of the Lord that was possessing a very human Dean Winchester, who really didn’t know how to deal with the overwhelming sensations that came with the contact of Cas’s Grace with his own being.

“Is this okay?”, Sam asked. Dean got closer to him, so he could rest his head against Sam’s shoulder. He really didn’t need an answer, yet he still felt relieved the moment Dean hummed contentedly against his neck.

It was something almost miraculous those days, to see Dean actually relaxed, happy even. Circumstances had made him so different from the nonchalant young man Sam used to know and admire that it broke his heart, to think that they had to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders then, whether they liked it or not. Even if Dean always believed that he was the one in charge of protecting Sam, since he was the older brother, Sam would gladly give up everything he had so he could free Dean from it all. Even if he knew that Dean could never live a life outside of their own nightmare world. Maybe it was too late to think of salvation, but then again, they had never known any other way.

“Cas, you need to…”, Sam heard Dean whisper, which only made the situation weirder than what it already was. Dean's fingers were digging into Sam's shirt and he tried to move even closer, which seemed impossible at that point.

“Dean?”, Sam asked.

But Dean didn’t answer. Not right away, at least. Instead, and to Sam’s surprise, he bit down his shoulder and made a noise that came out like a muffled moan, while arching his back like a cat. His wings spread even wider, acting more accordingly to their owner’s desires, and the dim light of the room made them shine in different shades of green and blue, like a kaleidoscope. Sam wondered if he was dreaming.

And then, Dean looked him in the eye, and he didn’t have to see the blue light flashing in his eyes for a brief instant to know that he was no longer in the company of his older brother.

“Cas”, Sam said, and he saw the recognition in the angel’s eyes, though there was something almost primitive dancing in his irises. If he didn’t know Cas, he’d be scared, even if he was wearing the face of the person Sam trusted the most in the world. Cas would never hurt any of them… right? He had proved to be someone to be trusted over and over. However, that was the first time that it struck Sam that he wasn’t human, and it was almost terrifying.

What had Dean allowed to happen?

“You’re scared”, Cas said. It wasn’t a question, but an observation. “Don’t be. I won’t harm you”.

That was the least reassuring thing Sam had ever heard, especially when Cas was in control of Dean’s body. He couldn’t even stop himself from thinking those things, even if he knew that nothing had changed in Cas, that he was still his friend. He was panicking. 

“Cas”, Sam gasped, as if he had suddenly lost all ability to communicate and that was the only word he knew. Dean’s green eyes were fixed on him, and it was actually reassuring that those were his brother’s eyes, even if he was still nowhere to be seen. He had stopped making any sense a while ago, the moment Lucifer came into his mind as if it was his property and tried to shed him into a million pieces. He needed to stop, breathe and remember, but although those three things seemed to be the easiest things to do in the world, he was having the hardest of times trying not to have a meltdown over all the events that were taking place at the same time.

“I’ve heard what he did to you”, Cas said, in a softer voice than Dean would have ever used to address him. He was still impossibly close to him, but he seemed to be considerably calmer, as if he was trying to make Sam feel the same way. “I am sorry, Sam”.

“It’s not your fault”, Sam replied. He felt feathers against his shoulders, but he decided that it was best not to look, not to think about it. That way, it was almost good.

“Doesn't make me feel any less sorry”. His eyes were glued to Sam's, and they were so captivating, the green of the prairies in the soft spring. “Let me make it better, please”, he whispered, and suddenly his fingers were wrapping Sam's wrists and guiding his hands back to his feathers, starting from the highest point he could reach and slowly moving them towards the lower ones, the ones that made him shiver when they came in touch with Sam's fingers. Something that sounded even more like a moan died in the back of his throat, and he just hid his face in the crook of Sam's neck, lips brushing against his warm skin ever so slightly. 

It was as if Cas was suddenly casting some kind of spell on him, and all his fears were forgotten somewhere in his mind, right where they were before Lucifer showed up, before the realisation that he—but also Dean—was just a human at the mercy of angels. It didn’t even crossed his mind how wrong it was that it was his friend who was caressing him so intimately. Not only that, but that he was in his older brother’s body, a body that pressed even closer to his until he was on top of him, teeth looking for skin to sink in. For a moment, there was nothing else than that, and though he was sure that, under different circumstances, he would be horrified by what they were doing, he had found such relief in the way Cas looked for his touch and he was so scared of feeling the way he did when Lucifer came to him that he just couldn’t let go.

That was, until Cas pressed his lips against his.

He’d be lying, if he said he didn’t enjoy the kiss. Cas was gentle, his lips soft and his tongue almost timid, as if it was asking for permission for more, to get lost in his mouth and claim it like its new kingdom. He didn’t push him away, he didn’t reflect on how much he would regret that afterwards. In the heat of the moment, that was all he wanted. He was too different to even think he was in Dean’s body, anyways, and his green eyes were almost unknown when he looked at him before kissing him. He had been craving physical contact as someone craved for water after walking in the desert for miles, and his body couldn’t hide the truth when it was so obvious that he wanted it.

Then, Cas said his name.


End file.
